And the wait begins!

Although "weight" might be more appropriate given the size of my bloated stomach this morning. Blah.

The 2nd IUI was yesterday and it was fine. I had another acupuncture appointment afterwards and felt a billionty million times better afterwards. I think I Oed yesterday - the usual gloom settled over me pretty early in the day. It's amazing how acupuncture helps me get through that. I'm feeling quite chipper today - hopefully I can maintain this outlook.

Fertility Friend is giving me all kinds of mixed messages. My temperatures have alternated between 97.7 & 97.2. Get a new thermometer you might suggest? This IS the new thermometer (Tallulah attacked my old one). I dropped down to 97.2 this morning. If it's 97.7 again tomorrow I might just give up this temperature thing.

Who am I kidding? I'd get a(nother) new thermometer before I'd stop temping. It's an addiction, I know it but I can't stop myself.

We're supposed to get together tonight with 2 couples we're friends with. I don't want to go downtown because A. the weather sucks, B. I don't want to pay for parking and C. I don't want to deal with the crowds. I think we're going to go somewhere pretty near home but honestly, I'd rather just bail. We'll see!

Oh! I POAS this morning to see if my trigger shot would show up (and I secretly may have wanted to see what a BFP looks like) and it didn't. Does anyone know if it's normal for 5000iu of hCG to NOT show up on a HPT if the shot was given at 1 PM on Tuesday and the HPT was taken at 7 AM on Friday?

IUI #1 v5.0

This morning was my 9th IUI. My RE does them back to back (I haven't read anything that says there's an advantage to this but it's covered under insurance so what the heck) and this is our 5th round. After tomorrow I will have had a turkey baster type implement all up in my business 10 times. Awesome.

The IUI was great. Well as great as an IUI can be anyway. Very little discomfort, no bloating and no cramping. Todd's numbers were great - 53 million post-wash. I'm hoping that his boys cooperate again tomorrow.

I had an acupuncture appointment right after the IUI. It was really nice to lay down and relax before heading back into work. Perhaps that explains the lack of cramping and bloating? Who knows. I'm happy to repeat the process tomorrow.

I feel really, really good about this cycle. I think it's the new acupuncturist. There wasn't anything wrong with my former acupuncturist but I really, really love Katie (the new one). She talks to me while she's inserting the needles and does some acupressure beforehand. She massaged the adhesions (??) on my belly the first 2 times a saw her and she suggested lounging on the couch with a heating pad every night pre-O. Now that's an idea I can get behind for sure!

We'll see what the next 2 weeks bring. Hopefully it's a BFP :-)

What a crazy couple of days it's been!

My mother, sister and nephew (AKA: the cutest baby boy on the planet) flew into town on Weds. We had a blast! I can't believe how different Leo is from when I saw him at Christmas. There is a world of difference between 6 months and 9 months in babyland, huh? I've never been so sad as I was dropping Michele & Leo off at the airport Sunday morning. I've always been close to my sister but we've never been overly demonstrative with each other. She hugged me and told me she loved me when we were saying goodbye - that alone was a HUGE step but then she texted me and said "I miss you already". Sob! I love my sister.

My poor husband was informed on Thursday that his employer was closing the doors and he wouldn't have a job. Stupid mortgage industry. Fortunately our insurance is through my employer and COBRA so there aren't any worries about that but now he's back to job hunting again and there's not a lot out there. Ugh.

In better news my insides look awesome! I had an RE appointment Fri., Mon., & today and things look great! I was worried that I ovulated last night because of the stabby pain in where I think my right ovary is located, a ton of EWCM yesterday afternoon and a crazy temperature spike this morning but after my sonogram today they assured me that wasn't the case. So I got my trigger shot and scheduled an IUI for tomorrow and Thursday. Yippee. I have an acupuncture appointment after the IUI on both days - I'm looking forward to that.

I have five good follicles. A 20mm on each side and 2 17's and an 18 on the left side. Lining is measuring 12.9 - good stuff!

My good luck bracelet has been a fixture on my wrist since it arrive last week. I must plan better the next time I need a good luck charm. I love my bracelet but the jaggedy edges of the stones leave crazy marks on my face when I sleep. That's not cool.

My Husband

Todd and I were catching up on some TV we Tivoed over the course of last week. I was laying on the couch with my heating pad happily munching on chocolate chip cookies not really paying much attention. Out of nowhere, Todd gets angry. Why, you might ask?

Because everything we watch from Two and Half Men to The Departed had something to do with pregnancy. He's noticing that there are pregnant women everywhere and it's making him sad and angry.

I can't say that I've felt alone in my baby quest because he's always been there for me but I am the one getting all of the needles poked in me, I am the one inventing excuses to tell my coworkers to explain why I'm always going to the doctor, I am the one getting wanded where the sun don't shine - not him. But it's his quest too and apparently he hurts just as much as I do, even if he doesn't talk about it constantly like I do. As much as it pains me to see him hurting it felt good to know that he's carrying some of this load around too.

It's kind of like moving the dining room table into another room. There's one person lifting each end of the table. It's inevitable that the person walking forward is bearing more of the load but it wouldn't move without the backward walking person's help. I'm walking forward but he's in front of me walking backward.

Monday Monday

I got the "all clear" from my RE this morning. This cycle is ON. I start injecting myself tonight (cd4) with 150iu of gonal-f. Woohoo. We're shaking things up a bit by adding in some estrace on cd6 to help with my lining. I'm staying hopeful and positive. I head back in on Friday to check out the follicles and stuff.

I think my good luck bracelet arrives tomorrow. I'm excited to have a inanimate object I can blame for a sucktacular reproductive experience instead of myself or my poor sweet husband.

Yay!

My best internet friend got her BFP this morning. Congrats J! You're awesome and you deserve this (and I told you so).

Woohoo!

My period started today - a 26 day cycle is something I can totally get behind. I woke up around 4 AM curled up around the dog (she totally hogs the bed) because the cramps were so bad. Puppy Face made everything better, of course.

I go back to the RE on Monday for the usual sono/office visit. I'm calling the pharmacy to reorder the gonal-f and am hoping to squeeze in some acupuncture before Monday.

I kind of like starting a new cycle. There's a renewed sense of hopefullness, at least until that first needle jab in the stomach.

Happy Friday, y'all.

PS:

I've changed my mind about giving up wine. I am going to try cutting down on caffeine though.

I know you were all wondering.

I need a good luck charm

Something I can carry with me or wear. Maybe a bracelet? Something like this?



According to Wikipedia, peridot will bring it's wearer peace, success and good luck. I need all of those things! I'm going to browse around a bit more. Frogs are allegedly a fertility symbol. My husband has been buying me frog figurines for YEARS and I had no idea. I might have to relocate a few of them to our bedroom (you know, where all the magic happens). I wonder what my RE will think if I bring my favorites with me for my next IUI?

I'm glad it's Thursday. I'd be happier if it was Friday but I'll gladly settle for Thursday.

So...I'm not pregnant

Just got back from the RE and I'm not pregnant. It wasn't a huge suprise but I was still hoping. Temp drop. days of spotting and a decrease in the thickness of my lining = on to the next cycle. They drew some blood to do a test to be sure but when you know, you know. You know?

Words can't describe how sad I am. I have to call my mom to fill her in on the appointment and I'm procrastinating because I'm afraid I'll have a breakdown on the phone. Husband is picking me up some popcorn chicken and a large Diet Coke on his was home from work.

I think I'm going to give up wine this month. I don't know if it will help but it can't hurt, right? Should I give up soda too? What will I drink? :-)

11 DPO and (obsessively) counting v2.0

So...what do you think? The spotting is freaking me out but it could be a good thing. I head to the RE tomorrow afternoon for a progesterone test, a sonogram (woohoo!) and a visit with my doc to make sure my ovaries aren't hyperstimulating (although it seems to me that it would be too late at this point to do anything about it but what do I know?).

Husband and I are in the midst of a discussion (as we've been for a couple of days now) about our future TTC plans. He's really pushing for IVF - I'm really afraid. A very wise woman set me on the right course so at least my head is in the right space to rationally discuss our choices without too much fallout. So stop by Mel's blog if it's not already part of your rotation. She's really smart.

Today's post

I'm 10DPO and my temp has plummeted. This cycle was my first on injectibles but our 4th round of back to back IUIs. My previous IUIs were done w/clomid.

On clomid I o-ed on CD14 or 15 and had a LP of 15 or 16 days. Never any midcycle spotting.

This cycle I O-ed on CD13. Today is 10DPO and I had a huge temp fall and just noticed brown & red blood (sorry for the TMI) in my CM.

My message board is telling all about implantation dips/spotting and I'm hoping that's what this is. I feel like IF has stolen my optimism along with my sanity, naivety and hopefullness. What do y'all think?

This should have been yesterday's post

I had a bad weekend.

I am an emotional mess.

I am married to the most patient man in the world.

Don't you hate people that go on and on about themselves like that?

Yesterday may have been the shakiest day I've had since we started TTC. I woke up feeling like rain clouds were following me around and started to cry in the shower. I cried some more back in bed and laying on the couch and sitting at the computer. This is over the span of the entire day, naturally.

I spent some time with a couple of girlfriends in the morning then promptly came home and cried again. Poor, sweet husband (PSH) kept inquiring about what was wrong - I didn't know how to answer. PSH and I had a serious heart to heart about how far we're willing to go to get pregnant and we're *not* on the same page. Part of me is putting so much hope into this cycle because I'm not sure I can handle another cycle of this. He's ready to charge full on into IVF. The world's greatest insurance (WGI) is about to come to an end at the end of this month. I think we decided to continue to COBRA ($695 + 2% of the cost) because the WGI will cover another 2 IUIs and 2 IVF cycles. Hopefully we won't need them but I guess it's good to know it's there.

More Anxiety

It's getting worse and worse, as it always does at this point in my cycle. 9 DPO is just about when I start fah-reaking out pretty hard core.

A negative feeling has already set in, particularly in light of this morning's temperature. I took my temp at I don't know what time and it was pretty low. 9DPO is exactly when my temp began the dreaded decline last cycle so naturally I feel as if someone just rained on the very best parade, ever. There's a glimmer of hope because I seriously have no idea what time I took the temp. I *think* it may have been a good 2 hours early (which makes it a perfectly respectable temp once appropriately corrected) but I don't remember. A smart girl would simply discard it and move on with her day.

I'm working on it.

Secret Confession

I can't say enough how much I hope this cycle is it. There aren't adequate words. I wish and hope and pray that this works and it sticks and I never, ever have to give myself another shot or take another hormone pill or stress out about when would be the right time to POAS. I'm afraid to hope too hard because it hurts that much more when my period shows up. My insides are shaking because I'm so scared and so worried.

Dude

My breasts are hugher then usual. But at least the largeness is balanced out by giant bloated stomach. Thankfully my rear end is doing anything unusual or I'd be forced to crawl under a rock and die.

My kid better be a super star after all this.

Purgatory

Yesterday was a not so pleasant day in my household. My friend Ashley was generous enough to share a stomach bug so I spent all day in bed fighting the fever (and worse). I feel a bazillion times better today but now that the bug has passed I'm back to obsessing.

I'm 6 DPO. I think this is the absolute worse part of the cycle. It's too late to be excited about ovulating and too early to have any kind of concrete evidence of being pregnant (or not) - it's purgatory.

Have I mentioned there are three pregnancy tests in my house? As an avid non-tester I'm not sure why I bought them. But since I have them, I might as well use them - right? I've seen people on various message boards test as early as 9DPO - I think that's insane. And I think they're crazy. My LP is at least 15 days long and often 16. WWYT? (when would you test, of course)

Waiting...

I'm officially (well, as official as Fertility Friend is anyway) 4 DPO. I bought a 2 pack of pregnancy tests last night, setting myself up to test a bit early this cycle. Generally speaking, I hate to POAS but I'm feeling something different this time around and I want to be prepared.

Had a brief talk with a semi-awake Todd this morning. If I'm not knocked up this time around I think I only want to try (with meds, IUI, etc) one more cycle. I don't know if I can bear the expense of IVF without having any kind of guarantee that it's going to work. The heartache of that BFN + knowing that we spent that much $$ (our insurance doesn't touch anything having to do with IVF) might send me over the edge. Obviously we'll reasses if/when the situation presents itself but that's my gut feeling.

But for now, we're waiting. Todd asks me what seems like every other hour how I'm feeling and if I feel pregnant yet. Dude cracks me up.

IUI #2

Much less drama filled then yesterday. Thank goodness.

64 million sperm, post wash. Yay! I remembered to ask the nurse about the results of my estradiol test on Weds - 545. Not bad, right?

I have to go back for labwork, sonogram and office visit between 3/8 and 3/15. In the meantime we wait. And wait.

I think I might have actually felt some O pain this morning on my way to the doctor. A little bit of a stabby feeling on the left side of my pelvis where I imagine my ovary is located. I've never left anything like that. Now I just feel like a bloated freak. If I turn too quickly I could take out an entire village with my distended stomach. Gross.

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A Comedy of Errors

So Todd & Tallulah came home from puppy school last night and Todd was stricken with (apparently) the worst stomach bug ever. Poor guy was up all night throwing his guts up and generally feeling worse than crap-like.

He woke up this morning with instructions to "deposit a specimen" into the cup and drop it off at the doctor's office as usual. He's done this 6 times before - this isn't anything new for him but since the weather is warm he didn't wear a jacket and just put the cup into his pocket.

Naturally, by the time he got to the doctor's the lid of the cup cracked and his "specimen" was soaking into the pocket of his jeans. Fortunately I go to the greatest doctors office on the planet with the most professional and compassionate people. Linda the amazing lab tech was able to salvage enough of his specimen to move forward with the IUI. After it was "washed" they had 20 million sperm with 90% of them mobile. Freaking awesome, I think.

I'm going to bring that boy a smoothie on my way home from work tonight. The poor guy was almost in tears when he called me - he felt so bad. He felt guilty for "messing up" the only thing he has to do, I feel awful for him.

I really, really hope this works more then ever. I'm afraid if we get another negative test he's going to hold himself responsible when we all know it isn't that black/white.

I got back tomorrow for another IUI. Let's hope this one isn't as eventful.