18 months old!

I wish I could have frozen time yesterday morning. It was one of those perfect moments - the kiddo in my arms, a cool breeze in the air and the sound of her little belly laugh laugh ringing through the air. I love the way her cheeks pop up when she's so tickled about something (in this case me pointing in the direction we were walking and saying "no, THIS way" - I don't know what was so funny about that but apparently in toddlerese it was hilarious) and she throws her head back in laughter, completely trusting that she's safe in my arms. The trust is humbling.

She's 18 months old now. Hard to believe. Her favorites are colors (crayons), mook (yogurt smoothies), stars, Lulu (the dog, Tallulah) and any kind of music. My favorites are the snuggles, the hugs and the kisses. I'm not a big fan of the "mine" stuff she's getting into. She's such a spunky, sassy little thing which I hope continues as she grows.

Speaking of growing, it appears she's finally hit a bit of a growth spurt. She's up to 31 inches and 23lbs. We had her at the ped. 2 weeks ago and she was barely 22 lbs - that explains all of the eating and sleeping lately!

Pregnancy is going well. No real news to report - gotta love the 2nd trimester! I'm feeling very regular movement now which is always reassuring. I don't go back to the midwives until 8/14. The baby boy is breach right now which I know is okay - I'm just 22 weeks. I can't help but be a little tiny bit nervous about him not turning but I won't full on panic for another 10 - 12 weeks :-)

It's the little things

Things have been pretty status quo around here. Since moving up to the big girl room at daycare Audrey has settled into a great routine with naps (finally down to one a day) and bedtime. Miraculously, I'm able to put her in her crib awake in both situations and she puts herself to sleep. I still rock her for a few minutes before dumping her (I can't imagine NOT rocking her) but she usually tells me when she's ready for night night. We sing while we rock. Sometimes it's just me singing our usual songs but last night she kept singing "itsy bitsy" over and over to herself. It was precious and made me cry. I joined her in a few rounds about the spider and got a giant open mouthed kiss in return. More tears on my part.

She's fascinated with my earrings. She calls them bow-bows. Just like her hairbows. She's very gentle (mostly) when she touches them. My glasses...not so much. I stumble around with tiny finger prints on the lenses all the time. For whatever reason, she's fascinated by them.

The new baby is still nameless and will probably stay that way until he's born. I'm 20 weeks today - hard to believe. I feel movement daily now, mostly in the afternoon. I'm a little melancholy off and on about the whole boy vs. girl thing. I was really expecting it to be another girl and was so excited for Audrey to have a little sister. Hopefully I'll get my brain wrapped about this soon!

I head back to the midwife on Friday. I always look forward to those appointments - such a different kind of care than at an OB's. I wish we would have gone this route with Audrey.

I won the jackpot

I must have done something right in one of my past lives. We found out yesterday that we're having a boy!

Of course we would have been delighted with another girl. Heck, my sister and I are BFFs and I would love for Audrey to have someone like that in her life. And reusing her fabulous wardrobe would certainly have saved us a small fortune :-P

But a boy. One of each. Sigh.

*Everything was perfect on the sonogram. He's measuring exactly as he should at this point. Heartbeat was around 135 bpm. Love.

On weaning and tandem nursing. Again.

So my whole philosophy of not making a decision about weaning my kid is kind of biting me in the arse. The instant I got pregnant the 2nd time my first thought (well, after holy f*&, how can this be right) was of Audrey. How will this affect her? Am I cheating her out of her babyhood? And most importantly (to me): what will I do about nursing?

I've had many a crying jag about this. I decided to not decide and let her find her way. Then I changed my mind after a few painful bites. Then changed my mind back after a few sweet snuggly nights. Then she quit on me. For two nights in a row. No nursing. No asking to nurse. She just layed her fluffy white-blonde head on my shoulder and closed her eyes and fell asleep. And I was okay with it, really! I didn't cry, I didn't feel any sadness other than the usual "my baby is growing up" kind of stuff. My child was charting her own course and this is what she decided.

Then it all changed. We sat down in the glider and I started to sing and rock her and she asked me for milk. Over and over and over again. I tried to nurse her and she fuh-reaked out. So did I. We both sobbed together and I felt like the shittiest parent ever, not being able to provide my baby with what she wanted/needed. (Yes, I realize that a 17 month old that nurses once a day doesn't "need" my milk for nutritional purposes.) It was awful and I handled it poorly. I called Todd to come upstairs to take over because I couldn't help her. So in her time of need what did I do? I left my kid. Genius, right? Ugh. It took her an additional hour to fall back asleep.

Bedtime last night was a bit better. She asked for milk again and I tried. She latched on and did her thing for a few minutes and switched sides. She finished with both sides and asked for more milk. I don't have more. We snuggled a bit more and she was okay. There was crying on both of our parts but we survived. Hopefully tonight will be better.

I have no idea where that leaves us. I really can't imagine tandem nursing (I'm in no way, shape or form against it but I don't think I can handle it along with pumping while at work). I have a conference in September that will have me away from home for 4 nights and I'm sort of hoping that will be it. Weaning by abandonment. Awesome, huh?

I'm trying hard not to think too far into the future. When the baby is born will Audrey remember nursing and want to do it again? Will she be jealous? Angry? Will she pierce her eyebrow and get a tattoo? Who knows. I know there's no sense trying to figure those things out now but in the wee small hours of the morning it's tough to remember that.