On weaning and tandem nursing. Again.

So my whole philosophy of not making a decision about weaning my kid is kind of biting me in the arse. The instant I got pregnant the 2nd time my first thought (well, after holy f*&, how can this be right) was of Audrey. How will this affect her? Am I cheating her out of her babyhood? And most importantly (to me): what will I do about nursing?

I've had many a crying jag about this. I decided to not decide and let her find her way. Then I changed my mind after a few painful bites. Then changed my mind back after a few sweet snuggly nights. Then she quit on me. For two nights in a row. No nursing. No asking to nurse. She just layed her fluffy white-blonde head on my shoulder and closed her eyes and fell asleep. And I was okay with it, really! I didn't cry, I didn't feel any sadness other than the usual "my baby is growing up" kind of stuff. My child was charting her own course and this is what she decided.

Then it all changed. We sat down in the glider and I started to sing and rock her and she asked me for milk. Over and over and over again. I tried to nurse her and she fuh-reaked out. So did I. We both sobbed together and I felt like the shittiest parent ever, not being able to provide my baby with what she wanted/needed. (Yes, I realize that a 17 month old that nurses once a day doesn't "need" my milk for nutritional purposes.) It was awful and I handled it poorly. I called Todd to come upstairs to take over because I couldn't help her. So in her time of need what did I do? I left my kid. Genius, right? Ugh. It took her an additional hour to fall back asleep.

Bedtime last night was a bit better. She asked for milk again and I tried. She latched on and did her thing for a few minutes and switched sides. She finished with both sides and asked for more milk. I don't have more. We snuggled a bit more and she was okay. There was crying on both of our parts but we survived. Hopefully tonight will be better.

I have no idea where that leaves us. I really can't imagine tandem nursing (I'm in no way, shape or form against it but I don't think I can handle it along with pumping while at work). I have a conference in September that will have me away from home for 4 nights and I'm sort of hoping that will be it. Weaning by abandonment. Awesome, huh?

I'm trying hard not to think too far into the future. When the baby is born will Audrey remember nursing and want to do it again? Will she be jealous? Angry? Will she pierce her eyebrow and get a tattoo? Who knows. I know there's no sense trying to figure those things out now but in the wee small hours of the morning it's tough to remember that.