What the F is wrong with me?

I got my period, that's what's focking wrong with me. Although I guess 16 months without having to deal with this is a pretty good run.

Some TMI info: my blood is bright red. I wonder if that means I'm cured? HA hahahahahahahahahahahaha. I'll be interested to see if my cycles are at all regular now. There's no way I'm up for charting yet - Miss A is not at all consistent with when she wakes up at night and is nowhere close to sleeping through the night. I wonder if I might have some luck with OPKs? Or should I just let it go for now and see what happens?

I can feel the obsession starting to creep into my life again. (Although it is MUCH less expensive to obsess over one's ovulation then one's daughter's wardrobe.) My pregnant friend has just scheduled her 18 week sonogram and I'm SEETHING with jealousy. I'm trying very, very hard to be enthusiastic and upbeat (luckily email is our primary form of communication) but it's very difficult. I feel like a really ugly person.

And this period thing is just making it worse. Now I know there is the possibility that I "might could" (I love talking Texan) get pregnant I'm sick with thinking about it. My baby is only 7 months. I do not want my children this close together but I'm fretting about waiting too long and missing my chance. I'll be 33 on Tuesday - if it takes another 2 years then I have the whole "Advanced Maternal Age" thing to concern myself with.

Hopefully the hormones will ease up in a day or two and I can chill. There's nothing gained by all of this worry aside from dark circles under my eyes and a knot in my shoulder.

Crap

I was cleaning out an old purse last week and stumbled upon a stack of these:

What are those, you might ask?

Let me tell you!

After each appointment with my RE I got one of these fancy blue pieces of paper full of instructions for lab work, nurse visits, sonograms, and appointment requests. Each paper served as a reminder that HEY, YOU'RE NOT PREGNANT. After ovary monitoring sonograms during the 2ww, I'd get an extra note on the back that said something like "If HPT - call for CD3 BW/APPT if HPT + call ASAP for BW". This note reference clomid (cd5-9) so it came toward the beginning of my relationship with my RE. I was probably all optimistic, checking out nursery websites and making a list of potential names for my clomid baby (or babies! Maybe I'll have twins!).

Ha!

Anyway. I tossed out the papers and started to cry. Then went upstairs and GOT MY SLEEPING BABY OUT OF HER CRIB so I could hold and rock her. Luckily she slept through the whole thing because I would have beaten myself if she woke up. Thankfully she won't know her mother is a loon.

Well, she'll probably find out eventually but hopefully it'll be because I'm dropping her off at school in my PJs or something equally as benign/embarassing to her.

Oh man, she's got issues

A shout out to any Offspring fans out there....

One of my very good friends is pregnant. They were talking about starting to try this fall but she unexpectedly turned up pregnant about 2 months ago. Her father passed away 4weeks ago - thankfully he knew about the baby and was very, very excited.

We were emailing a bit today and I'm filled with rage toward her. It took a while to figure out what my major malfunction is.

I'm hostile* because she's fertile.

She lost her father a month ago and I'm inwardly seething because she got pregnant without even trying. How is that rational?



*for the record, I'm not really hostile. Just angry. I know you know what I mean. And she is really dramatic about everything. And she's one of those people that says things like "Baby wants some Cheetos!" and is "eating for two". I'm still a bad, bad person though.

Single parenting is hard work

Or

Why I need to stop being such a bitch to my husband.

Audrey and I are having a girls week while Todd is out of town. Holy mother of god, I'm beat. I don't know if Audrey is just picking up on my slightly elevated stress level or if she's teething, etc. but she's been a little "off" since her daddy left. She's doing okay at night - I've been nursing her to sleep downstairs. She sleeps alone until I'm ready for bed around 10 PM then we cosleep until she wakes up anywhere between 2-4 AM. When she finishes nursing again we head upstairs to the rocking chair. She'll fall asleep (or pretty close to it) for a bit then we crash in the guestroom because Mama is too tired to head back downstairs.

It's working but it's not ideal. And don't even get me started on cleaning my pump parts, making bottles and packing my lunch. And laundry? HA! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I'm not nearly appreciative enough of how helpful Todd is. I'm a shrieking harpy most of the time and I need to cool it. Or at least be a little more physically....available. That would probably making up for the harpy routine :-P