Have you ever felt like your insides have been vacuumed out?

And I don't mean after a long night at the bar.

It's no secret amoungst our friends/family that we've been trying to get pregnant for some time now. Usually it doesn't prey on my mind too much (especially after FINALLY securing an appointment with a specialist in September) but there have been a lot of reminders lately about our deficiencies:

* The birth of my sister's baby. I am 100% thrilled for her and her SO and I love this baby to pieces. I feel so inadequate and mixed up. The day he was born was one of the happiest days of my life and at the same time I feel so ugly for the jealousy that's crawling around inside of me.
* Going back home for the baby's christening and meeting the other new babies in our family. Sucks. Especially since my cousin's wife is pregnant again after already having a 7 month old. Again, she gets pregnant BY ACCIDENT.
* I'm on the most supportive message board ever which focuses on couples trying to conceive. These women are fantasticly supportive and encouraging - and fully "deserving" (in my twisted mind) of being blessed with children. I signed on to the board this morning and was met with 2 announcements of positive pregnancy tests. I started off having a great day and am now plummeting into depression again.

It. sucks. so. badly.

I feel like my guts have been ripped out and are laying on the floor in front of a herd of cattle that are stampedeing over them. I know my feelings are ridiculous but I can't stop it.

I hope I have the balls to ask the doctor for a referral to a therapist or someone I can talk to about this because no one in my circle of friends/family will understand. I would normally post on my message board but it's not fair to the rest of the group, especially the women who have been blessed. UGH!!!!!!

If my sheets/blankets weren't in the washing machine I'd be tempted to crawl back into bed and cry.

Peace of Mind is All I Want

The above quote comes from my new favorite song "Face Down" by the Katie Todd Band (www.katietoddband.com).

Lyrics:

I'm leaving tonight, lights on lights off.
I'm caught in the dark, face down, fall apart.
The answer is clear, crystal clear.
And I know it's hard to hear, but you gotta get out of here.
So won't you please let it be.
And there's only so much you can say.
A broken record but you stay and take some more.
And as you're looking out at your chord you think, well I gotta get out of here.
So won't you please let it be
I'm leaving tonight, lights on lights off.I'm caught in the dark, face down...
Peace of mind is all I want. I wanna make some time for wasting.

The last line in particular really spoke to me as I was making the decision about what to do about my career situation. Have I reached my breaking point? Most definitely.

I've moved on (have I?) and that last line has sort of become the mantra for this new phase of my life (that I'm trying to create). I'm not accustomed to having a lot of free time and not feeling "important" and "needed" at work. That's not to say that I'm not needed here but I don't feel like there are a lot of people depending on me. I feel like just another cog in the wheel and I don't know if I like that feeling. For now, it's awfully nice leaving work at 5 and not stressing all night long about blocking off the freight elevator for the right amount of time and how many floral arrangements were ordered. It is nice to get home and change into PJ's and lounge on the couch until 11:30 PM. Of course my rear end is huge and my shirts don't all button anymore but I'm confident that in the long run I will become more motivated and satisified.