Have you ever felt like your insides have been vacuumed out?

And I don't mean after a long night at the bar.

It's no secret amoungst our friends/family that we've been trying to get pregnant for some time now. Usually it doesn't prey on my mind too much (especially after FINALLY securing an appointment with a specialist in September) but there have been a lot of reminders lately about our deficiencies:

* The birth of my sister's baby. I am 100% thrilled for her and her SO and I love this baby to pieces. I feel so inadequate and mixed up. The day he was born was one of the happiest days of my life and at the same time I feel so ugly for the jealousy that's crawling around inside of me.
* Going back home for the baby's christening and meeting the other new babies in our family. Sucks. Especially since my cousin's wife is pregnant again after already having a 7 month old. Again, she gets pregnant BY ACCIDENT.
* I'm on the most supportive message board ever which focuses on couples trying to conceive. These women are fantasticly supportive and encouraging - and fully "deserving" (in my twisted mind) of being blessed with children. I signed on to the board this morning and was met with 2 announcements of positive pregnancy tests. I started off having a great day and am now plummeting into depression again.

It. sucks. so. badly.

I feel like my guts have been ripped out and are laying on the floor in front of a herd of cattle that are stampedeing over them. I know my feelings are ridiculous but I can't stop it.

I hope I have the balls to ask the doctor for a referral to a therapist or someone I can talk to about this because no one in my circle of friends/family will understand. I would normally post on my message board but it's not fair to the rest of the group, especially the women who have been blessed. UGH!!!!!!

If my sheets/blankets weren't in the washing machine I'd be tempted to crawl back into bed and cry.