Peace of Mind is All I Want...: Tidal wave

Peace of Mind is All I Want...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Tidal wave

Warning: this is long. And I mention vomiting.

Todd and I got into a screaming (well, I was screaming anyway) argument the other day. My sister sent me a GIANT box of baby clothes handed down from her little guy. I tore into this box with unabashed delight and began sorting the different sizes and trying to believe that in around 25 weeks I will have a little person that fits into those tiny little shirts. Once I finished that I put the little ensembles into the drawers of the dresser that we're going to use in the baby's room. Of course I realized that the dresser still had to be moved into the baby's room but I wanted to DO something for my baby. I feel like we're in a holding pattern. Until we know the gender we don't want to start painting, etc. After waiting so long to GET pregnant I want to get a move on with all of the fun things I'd been dreaming about for so long.

So when my husband said "You do realize we're going to have to empty those drawers before the dresser is moved, right?" I came unglued. At first the tears just dripped down my face. Then I worked up some momentum and started to sob. Gut wrenching, soul jerking sobs. Everything I'd been holding in; the poison, the frustration, the sorrow, the joy, the relief - EVERYTHING was coming out. I was expecting this much earlier - right after the first sonogram or first heard the heartbeat maybe? I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time before the emotions and angst couldn't be contained.

Todd wasn't sure what to do but he did a pretty good job of winging it. He sat there on the bed with me, kept his mouth shut and called the dog into the bed with us. Poor Tallulah was covered in tears and snot. The sobs subsided, I dashed to the bathroom and puked up the rest of the venom while the two of them took a quick walk in the rain (presumably to wash the snot off of the dog).

Talk about cathartic. Sure, I've cried all along during our troubles conceiving. I mourned each and every cycle my womb was empty. I talked about our struggles to anyone who asked (and probably a lot of people that didn't ask). Infertility wasn't ever anything I tried to hide. What was off limits was the stabbing pain in my heart. I never wanted anyone IRL to feel uncomfortable or awkward so I always focused on what was positive: "No, we didn't have any luck this cycle but next cycle we're going to try _____ instead. There are great success rates with _____ drug and ____ procedure." etc. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard "You have such a great attitude"... (which is ironic because my blog is pretty damn morose in my opinion)

But it's over now. It's out. It's gone. For now anyway. I let it go. It will still be a part of me and it has shaped me into the person that I am but it no longer defines my character.

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At 7/24/07, 8:08 AM , Blogger Kate said...

Well, I would have put the clothes away, too. :)

At 7/24/07, 12:07 PM , Blogger PCOSMama said...

We had our first baby shower pretty early in the pregnancy (a friend was moving and wanted to throw us one first) and boy was it great going through everything, washing the little clothes, organizing the drawers. It just makes it all so much more real!

I probably would've just told my husband that we can easily take the drawers out and move them separately, but I'm a smart ass like that. I think it's great that you got all that out - hopefully that'll be the last big breakdown of bad feelings and thoughts and the rest will be happy tears of what you have now!

At 7/24/07, 6:13 PM , Blogger My Reality said...

I hope you feel a little better after your release. Sometimes, you just have to get it all out.

At 7/24/07, 7:09 PM , Blogger Samantha said...

I hope that you've exorcised all of the IF demons.

At 7/25/07, 11:39 AM , Blogger Melissa said...

I'm glad you've had that release. It sucks to hold on to all the crap that comes with IF. When will you find out the gender?

At 7/26/07, 1:15 PM , Blogger Diana said...

OK, tears in my eyes. I am green with envy and want to be where you are so badly. I am so glad to read blogs of success but this post really hits hard. I want to think that getting that magical BFP will erase all the pain. I know it won't but I like to believe it will. So glad you were able to get most of the poison out. Thats a perfect word for IF, poison.


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