Tidal wave

Warning: this is long. And I mention vomiting.

Todd and I got into a screaming (well, I was screaming anyway) argument the other day. My sister sent me a GIANT box of baby clothes handed down from her little guy. I tore into this box with unabashed delight and began sorting the different sizes and trying to believe that in around 25 weeks I will have a little person that fits into those tiny little shirts. Once I finished that I put the little ensembles into the drawers of the dresser that we're going to use in the baby's room. Of course I realized that the dresser still had to be moved into the baby's room but I wanted to DO something for my baby. I feel like we're in a holding pattern. Until we know the gender we don't want to start painting, etc. After waiting so long to GET pregnant I want to get a move on with all of the fun things I'd been dreaming about for so long.

So when my husband said "You do realize we're going to have to empty those drawers before the dresser is moved, right?" I came unglued. At first the tears just dripped down my face. Then I worked up some momentum and started to sob. Gut wrenching, soul jerking sobs. Everything I'd been holding in; the poison, the frustration, the sorrow, the joy, the relief - EVERYTHING was coming out. I was expecting this much earlier - right after the first sonogram or first heard the heartbeat maybe? I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time before the emotions and angst couldn't be contained.

Todd wasn't sure what to do but he did a pretty good job of winging it. He sat there on the bed with me, kept his mouth shut and called the dog into the bed with us. Poor Tallulah was covered in tears and snot. The sobs subsided, I dashed to the bathroom and puked up the rest of the venom while the two of them took a quick walk in the rain (presumably to wash the snot off of the dog).

Talk about cathartic. Sure, I've cried all along during our troubles conceiving. I mourned each and every cycle my womb was empty. I talked about our struggles to anyone who asked (and probably a lot of people that didn't ask). Infertility wasn't ever anything I tried to hide. What was off limits was the stabbing pain in my heart. I never wanted anyone IRL to feel uncomfortable or awkward so I always focused on what was positive: "No, we didn't have any luck this cycle but next cycle we're going to try _____ instead. There are great success rates with _____ drug and ____ procedure." etc. If I had a dollar for everytime I heard "You have such a great attitude"... (which is ironic because my blog is pretty damn morose in my opinion)

But it's over now. It's out. It's gone. For now anyway. I let it go. It will still be a part of me and it has shaped me into the person that I am but it no longer defines my character.