Peace of Mind is All I Want...: Very frustrated with a friend

Peace of Mind is All I Want...

Friday, December 19, 2008

Very frustrated with a friend

I have a friend, we'll call her Amy. She has a husband, we'll call him Paul.

Amy and Paul got married a year before Todd and I. They planned on being married for 4 - 5 years before having children. Amy's father ended up getting very sick so they moved from Chicago to Pittsburgh so Amy could help her mom take care of her father.

Paul's had a tough go of things. He had a great career in Chicago that he obviously left behind. After studying for the bar exam in Pittsburgh he eventually found a job with a small firm that quickly blew up in his face after one of the partners ran off with a ton of $$. The other partners and Paul joined together to create a new firm that is slowly growing.

Well, Amy got pregnant - she's 36 weeks now. They weren't going to start trying until the beginning of '09 but as it turns out her father passed away in July. Although he didn't make it long enough to meet his first grandchild she was able to tell him about her pregnancy - he was thrilled and made sure every person in the hospital knew how proud he was.

Well, fast forward to now. Throughout her pregnancy Amy as been asking for advice and telling me all of her plans. Her priorities are totally effed up. She's seeing a midwife and wants a med-free birth (woohoo!). But she hasn't taken any childbirth classes or done any research. FINALLY, she has a 4 hour class scheduled for January 12. Her breastfeeding class is on Jan. 18th. She's due on Feb. 3.

But that's cool. Everyone handles things differently. I have a hard time grasping that sometimes but she has every right in the world to education herself however she'd like. I am not the Official Monitor of Prenatal Education.

She says that she wants to exclusively breastfeed her baby. She has to go back to work after 8 weeks so I've been talking to her about pumping. Her plan is to borrow a pump from a friend who used it through FIVE children. Five. After directing her to the Medela website and explaining that it's likely that pump will not be able to keep up with her, I think I may have gotten through there. I still don't think she grasps the logistics. She has to pump in the bathroom too - I've shared all of my tips but I don't think she believes me. I recommended a pump with a hands free option, especially if there isn't much counter space and she says "I don't think I'd use that." She just doesn't get it.

But the kicker is this email exchange we shared today.

Her:

I am a little sour on my loving husband at the moment. I understand he works really hard and for 80 hours every week, but I’m starting to get a little annoyed with his attitude. It’s my job to do everything else. Everything. I work, too! Granted, my job is way cushier but still. AND he’s running for Dormont Council in March. My bosses and the guys they work with are all the exact same way, but their wives don’t work. I reminded him about the midwife appointment this afternoon and he didn’t get pissy per se, but I was not pleased with his response. I told him he doesn’t need to go, this is not an important appointment but he gave me some “no time is good, so it doesn’t matter” crap.

Me:

Oh man…I feel for you. Of course his work life is crazy right now but the two of you are a partnership too! It’s hard to have a serious, matter of fact conversation when you’re hormonal but I’d ask how he’s planning to manage an 80 hour work week, running for office plus a newborn/working wife/household? Have you given any thought to your expectations of him once the baby arrives? Have you communicated those to him? I know you always planned to stay home with the kids – is it possibly that the change of plans hasn’t really sunk in for him yet? How did his parents manage their household?

Her:

Honestly – I think I can do this on my own. It worked out well when he was working full time & studying for the bar. Of course, there was no newborn at that point! But, he will essentially have to relinquish everything to my “power” - we already had to have a talk about me taking care of the bills from now on because he’s bee late a few times recently (flashbacks to living with Mary...) I think I am more worried about him becoming a random figure around the fringes instead of a really involved dad/husband. Again, I am surrounded by guys like this and their families are all fine but I know their wives do get frustrated with the constant rescheduling, etc. Eventually, I probably will be able to/”have to” stay home but right now it’s a struggle.

WTF?? AND she bought concert tickets for a show on March 1st. I asked her to remind me what the baby's due date is and her response "Feb 3 so no worries there". Like I was worried about the baby being born to the dulcet tones of Stevie Nicks.

She just has no clue and it's beyond frustrating to me. Why are there so many women that are PREPARED and WELCOMING of all the havoc and changes a baby would bring to their lives and they can't get pregnant or carry a baby. Then there are people like my friend who are essentially clueless but can get pregnant without even thinking about it. It's just not fair. At all.

3 Comments:

At 12/22/08, 10:40 AM , Blogger Kate said...

It's one of the great injustices of the world, if you ask me!

 
At 1/28/09, 5:26 AM , Blogger decemberbaby said...

Not fair. But if you're looking for justice, stick around to watch what happens after said baby.

 
At 2/1/09, 7:16 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sure you didn't know everything before you had your baby... give her a chance. She is your friend, right?

 

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